As of lately, I'm doing worse than I was, emotionally and physically. My muscles in my neck hurt which is causing me a headache. I think it must be from clenching my jaw and not realizing it. One of my eyes has started twitching and now it won't stop watering. I guess I don't know how to work through all my pain.
I haven't really discussed details about when they were born or shown hardly anyone their pictures from their birth. I feel that it was such a special day, that I am keeping my memories close to my heart for only me to remember. Maybe someday I'll be ready to open up and share their special day to others.
I have been shutting people out from how I really feel. It's unexplainable how I feel and I don't think anyone understands unless they themselves have lost a child.
I think of her more often than not. I wonder how our life would be like day in and day out with raising twins. Would I have had time to shower? Go shopping? Play with Cambree? I wonder if she would have been as active as she was in my belly. Would I be up all night? Would Addison and Allie have snuggled up and slept next to each other and take comfort from one another? Would people be able to tell them apart, would I have been able to tell them apart? I could go on and on...
These thoughts flood my mind and make my heart hurt. I know I need to stay positive because I want her death to mean something positive. I guess I'm still searching for answers that I may never have. Its hard feeling so much sadness. But I do feel happiness each day as well. I am thankful for my husband who I've been really hard on, especially lately. I am grateful for my two healthy, beautiful girls who thankfully keep me busy each day. The love that I have for my 3 daughters is beyond words, I would do anything for them. I wish I could have done more for Allie.
I feel calmness when I am with her. I just wished we lived a little closer so I could drop by her grave more often. I hope she knows even though I don't make it to her grave each day, I am thinking of her constantly and I love her with all my heart.
So today marks the 2 month anniversary and I am still working on becoming the new me because I know I will never be the same.
Missing you, our sweet Allie Mae.
4 comments:
Oh Melissa, your sweet words make me cry every time. What a beautiful mother you are. You are right, I think something like that changes you forever, your heart will probably never be the same. I do think time will ease some of that pain, but probably never completely. You will always carry part of it with you, but I think that just adds to who you are and what you are made of. Which is some pretty strong stuff. I seriously think of you every single day, and pray that heavenly father can comfort your heart and take away some of that pain. So much love to you cute girl, and I will say it again those girls are so blessed to call you their mom. I know your sweet girl feels of your love even though you aren't together here on this earth, I know she knows you carry her in your heart. Thinking of you always...you are amazing!
Melissa, you are entitled to as many bad days, and as long as you need to figure out the new you. I think you are doing such an amazing job, I love that you have already participated in so many things to honor Allie. She is such a beautiful baby (just like her sisters) I think you are right that no one can understand how you feel even if they've lost a child, your experience was your own. I remember when I had my miscarriage it was so much harder than I could have ever prepared for. And I constantly thought about that baby, how far I would have been along in my pregnancy, when the baby would have been born, what the baby would have looked like... And I think the only thing that really gave me some peace was knowing that sweet baby would want me to be happy. I think as Mom's we often focus on how much we love our kids and how we would do anything for them, and we forget that our kids love us just as much as we love them. Beautiful little Allie had the amazing opportunity to meet her Mom and Dad, and believe me she knows how much you love her and wish she was here. And I also think she can see the whole picture, and understands why it had to be that way (even if you don't know why) Just remember you gave little Allie everything you possibly could, a wonderful family, 2 beautiful sisters, all the love of your heart, I'm sure she received more love and care having you and Benton as her parents than many people receive in a lifetime and it's clear that you will continue to love and honor her until you're reunited.
I just love you too pieces. I love what your friend Lainie says about Allie wanting you to be happy. You are amazing in every way and I know you will figure out the new you when it's time.
What a great mother and wife you are, don't be anything but you.
I love you! I can't imagine anything that yo're going through but I am constantly amazed at how strong you really are and how beautiful your words are! I think it's so great that you're writing everything down. It's a healing balm for so many but mostly for you and Benton, I'm sure.
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